❔AIP 73 Stop Giving Advice, Start Asking Questions

❔AIP 73 Stop Giving Advice, Start Asking Questions
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After finishing the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People in my senior year of high school, I thought I was Zeus.

I ventured out, zapping the book's advice and everything else my 17-year-old self "knew" at the time on anyone who'd pretend to listen. My family, friends, classmates--they were all mortals awaiting enlightenment.

There was one question it never dawned on me to ask: do they even want advice?

After doing this for over a year with little success, I asked this question. I didn't like the answer. I thought I was trying to help people change, but really, I wanted to make myself feel good. I was going through a period of rapid identity change and needed validation by pushing my new identity onto others.

Thankfully, my advice-giving saga led to an ephiphany:

Stop giving advice. Start asking questions.

A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still. People only change when they want to change. You can plant the seed, but it takes time to sprout into a tree. Giving advice without asking if someone wants it is like watering a seed with a firehose to "help it grow."

Our role is to hold up a mirror so the other side can see themselves clearly.

We don’t know what their unique beliefs, goals, interests, and skills are. Looking inward, they can come to the answer independently with some guidance along the way.

According to Adam Grant in Think Again, this process of questioning is called motivational interviewing--I call it not being an advice-zilla. There are three steps to doing it.

First, ask open-ended questions. These questions usually start with "What" or "How" and invite the other side to share their perspective and reflect on their situation.

Second, engage in reflective listening. Don’t hear. Listen. Try to truly understand why the person feels, thinks, and behaves as they do.

Third, affirm their desire or ability to change.

It’s essential you don’t ask your questions with the clear intention to change the person. Like disguising broccoli by drowning it in ketchup, they'll see what you're trying to do.

If all else fails, you can always ask, would you like advice?

I'm 20 now, and I have become the person in my friend group people go to for advice. They come not for my knowledge, but so they can see themselves better.

This form of helping someone takes humility. It’s slow, yet paradoxically faster than forcing advice on them. It’s frustrating, yet so much more fulfilling when they actually change. You might not get credit.

But if you really care about helping others, that's okay.

Here's what I would like to share this week.

📸News From The Channel!

📺Latest On De YouTube - ​Fakers Advice On Becoming An Expert Without Talent​: Faker is has won four world championships in League Of Legends, more than any other person before him. What separates him from the rest? In this video, I will reveal Faker's simple yet hard advice on becoming an expert without talent, in any skill based endeavor.

🎙️Latest On De Podcast - ​E38 Kevon Cheung: Building In Public Applied To PKM​: Kevon Cheung is a dad and creator who creating content around the value of building in public. He's against the classic vision of creation being an act of going into the woods, smoking a ciggar, drinking some brandy, and than coming out with your "masterpiece." He's the author of Find Joy In Chaos--a guide to building in public on twitter--the course creator of Build In Public Mastery, and the creator of Public Lab a website dedicated to helping you in your build in public efforts.

In this podcast you will learn:

  • The value of sharing your learnings AS you learn them
  • How to collect and create out of the information you consume
  • How to build friends and community by sharing your learnings

💡My Best Insights:

P.S. Some of the links below are Amazon affiliate links.

📖Book - ​How We Know What Isn't So​: We believe a lot of things that are straight up wrong. Why? In this book, my past Social Psychology Professor (sheer coincidence!) explores the cognitive and social determinants that lead us to believe things which are not true.

🎙️Podcast - ​Best of — Status Games, Polyamory and the Merits of Meritocracy​: We play three types of status games. The basic game involves looking for shared interests or emotional connections with someone else. We do this consciously. The leveling game, involves trying to bond with someone over how difficult and unfair life can be. And the importance game involves trying to showcase our importance. These latter two games are usually done more unconsciously. This podcast fascinates me because it illuminates so much about our interactions with people. What's going on under the surface?

📺YouTube Video - ​Harvard Psychiatrist on How To Get Ahead of 99.9% of People (Starting NOW)​: One of the best videos I have ever seen that explores what happiness is, how to navigate your desires, the fundamental lie online dating apps sell you, and more.

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Cheers, 🥜


Aidan Helfant 👋Say hion Twitter, My Podcast, orYouTube

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