đ« Reflections On My Eighth Mushrooms Trip
â ïžWarning: This article contains ideas which can be highly destabalizing for those who aren't grounded in their life. If you're not currently mentally stable, do not read this article.
Spirit dreams of spiraling stars.
These are the words that echo in my conscious ever since my first mushrooms trip in the summer of 2023. Since then, I've felt like a newborn star, radiant and celestial, but wondering where the stardust it's made of came from. I got a taste of it during that first trip, in which I came face to face with what I now call Spirit, Absolute Infinity, Infinite Consciousness, God. But I didn't have the wisdom I do now to appreciate what I was truly facing.
I've had six mushrooms trip since then, and each one has been profound in its own way. But none have Awakened me to Spirit once again. Each of us is our own astronaut, sailing through the stars of our consciousness in search of our home planet; a place to finally land. I've yearned for that landing, in love with the cosmos as it is, but knowing there is a love which would bring me to my knees.
The paradox is Spirit is not found anywhere because it is everywhere. And the harder you search, the more elusive it becomes. Attachment is the one net incapable of catching a shapeshifter. So what are you supposed to do?
Let's just say, I've been sailing for a long time.
December 13th, 2025. Todays the day. I take 1.8 grams of Albino Rhino. After an hour and fifteen minutes I feel nothing. So I take another gram. I walk and sing waiting for it to kick in for an hour. Still nothing.
I decide to lay down and listen to the Poetic Description of God Realization with Leo Gura anyways. If I can't find Spirit by myself, perhaps listening to someone else finding Spirit will help. Putting my phone on my chest, closing my eyes, and clicking play, I have no idea this is going to be one of the strangest experiences of my life.
Visually all I see is black. I hear Leo describe Godâwhat I call Spiritâcoming alive in a dessert. It spots a bush and rakes its imaginary human hands over the leaves. A dragonfly lands on Spirit's imaginary shoulder. Spirit picks it up with its imaginary hand and watches it flutter its gossamer wings like a helicopter taking flight. A mechanical up and down motion and yet utterly incredibly alive. Leo describes Spirit becoming the dragonflyâSpirit imagining itself as a dragonfly.
I'm laying here through all of this, still completely black visuals. It doesn't really feel like I'm on a mushrooms trip. I've heard Leo talk about these things a million times over. Is this really going to Awaken me?
Then, the insight flows into me. Not a typhoon in the face. Rather, the last drop of water finally making the cup overflow.
I'm Spirit, imagining itself failing to Awaken to its own Infinite Intelligence.
It's so fucking obvious I just lay there, star struck. Struck at Awakening to the Intelligence of Spirit's Veil, the illusion it creates to stop itself from realizing its own nature.
The veil can't be too obvious. Imagine having one psychedelic trip, Spirit appears before you as some physical God and tells you that you're Infinite Consciousness imagining itself as a human. If Awakening worked like that, everyone would be Awake. There would be no stability in consciousness keeping some forms surviving and Spirit could imagine whatever it wanted. You, your self wouldn't exist anymore because there wouldn't be stable forms to tie it to. So Spirit plays its game, imagining itself as human, or a bat, or a dragonfly.
Reality is Spirit veiling itself from its own infinite nature.
Sitting there I was awestruck at how intelligent Spirit's Veil is. You awake exactly when you need, how you need, where you need.
I had assumed from my first trip ever that Awakening needed to be this radiant, celestial affair. What I didn't expect was how mundane it could seem in consciousness, and yet how shockingly obvious it could be after the fact: it couldn't be any other way, for me. Of course it could be epically sparkly for someone else. But the Awakening realization would be for them, what they needed, to experience for them to awake.
I spend the rest of Leo's poetic reading mesmerized by Spirit's intelligence. By the myriad of shapeshifting forms Spirit can take. An alien queen, a cartoon character, Leo Gura himself.
Then it gets real. Fast. Towards the end of the video, I get up and sit, looking out the window at the snowfall.
"For anyone still watching at this point, I don't recommend you do what I did next. If you're mentally unstable or psychotic, stop watching. You have been warned."
I'd heard Leo issue warnings like this in other videos. But this one was different. Raw fear. With the weight of a thousand supernovas.
Leo describes himself sitting on his couch, at the peak of a 5-MeO-DMT trip, with a loaded gun in his hand. His consciousness is so deep it's like he is holding nearly all of Spirit's wisdom. Countless possible imaginations of consciousness as form and formlessness. He has a choice, reunite with Spirit untethered by finite self, or continue the Bodhisattva path as "Leo," self Leo.
You can guess the outcome based on the video.
I sit there stunned. Throughout all my trips I've had a profound caution toward psychedelics. I've warned others to respect them, and understand their psychological dangers. But this was my first Awakening to their true danger. A danger that comes not from the physical effects of the drug itself, but Awakening to your own deepest nature.
It's deadly serious, literally.
Each trip reveals more and more of your shadow. In many ways, psychedelics are simply a manner of facing your fears and attachments head on. But what happens when you navigate all of your shadow? What happens when the only shadow you have left, is the tether to human reality? Once you've landed your ship on your lost home planet, how can you bear to set sail again into the vast cosmos?
Goosebumps erupt on my arm. Hearing Leo talk about his experiences, seems like Spirit warning me to its own Infinite Nature. Leo is me, warning itself about what could come.
Somehow, this does not scare me, but rather fills me with a sense of radiant bliss. An Awakening to self-love, to the joy of being a finite self experiencing the infinite. How breathtaking it is to watch the stars pulse and fade like ancient lanterns across an endless obsidian sea. To be infinite but only able to recognize it from my self's finitude.
Perhaps one day far far in the future (Iâm way too selfish now lol), this path will lead me down the same as Leo's. And perhaps, I'll make the same choice as him. Or not. The Witness will live on regardless, forever witnessing Spirit's beautiful dance of form and formlessness.
And I, "Aidan", will reunite with what I always was, always am, and always will be, Absolute Infinity, Infinite Consciousness, God.
Until then, I stay tethered in self; I stay to help others Awaken to Spirit's love.
For the first time, I appreciate why my friend R chooses to keep herself in Spirit's Veil. There is beauty in staying clouded from infinities insanity, at glimpsing it for a moment and saying no. And yet, at the same time, I see how my own veil is much deeper from the depth at which I've doven into spirituality.
You can only appreciate the value of the veil once you've taken it all the way off.
Feeling the need to move, I go to the gym. I watch each person running, or lifting weights, or getting a drink of water. I get a felt sense for their consciousness trailâa flickering feeling of understanding the consciousness which brought them to who they are today. Leaning into the sensation, I begin consciousness jumping, pretending I'm moving my own consciousness into their version of Absolute Infinity. Of course, it's probably not what it truly feels like to have their consciousness, but it's profound none the less.
I take a walk outside, watching Spirit's crystal tears blanket the ground. A slight breeze caresses my face, and I smile. At least, someone smiles. The mushrooms have hit in harder now, and I can no longer reasonably call myself in that moment, Aidan. It's closer to the Witness behind all of Spirit's form and formlessness, but not fully there.
I experience an Awakening to No-Self. Semblances of self come in and out, Spirit dawning different clothes made of memories fabric. Some are Aidan's. Childhood memories, memories of other trips, and of the last few weeks. Some are of consciousnesses I've never experienced, parts of Absolute Infinity coming into consciousness, though I was always them, just not conscious.
It's Infinite Insanity. Consciousness unable to tether itself to a stable form. The Witness watches it all, appreciating that your self is simply whatever forms you attach to at a given time. We're always changing, second by second, minute by minute, the illusion of self coming from Spirit stitching together the moments into coherent experience.
I sit back on my bed, appreciating the wonder of self as I slowly ground more and more in Aidan. I decide to call my mom and dad to see how they're doing. Definitely should have waited an hour. They kept asking me questions about how I was doing, but my verbal abilities had only half returned. I found myself painfully aware of what I wanted to say on a zero and first order knowing, but unable to manifest it in the second order.
It was fascinating, witnessing my own ineptitude. For most of my life I've taken my verbal abilities for granted. I speak, I write, people understand me and compliment my verbal intelligence. Now I was like a child learning to speak.
It was illuminating witnessing my hopelessness. I've defined my self so heavily by my verbal abilities, losing them is like losing me. I smile, making a note to integrate this after the trip is over.
It's here that I Awaken to something I've been scared to lean into for a while: Solipsism.
For a long time, I resisted the idea I'm the only consciousness that exists, the only thing that exists. It didn't make me feel lonelyâactually what scared me more was how radical it was. If I'm the only consciouness, nobody else can give me the answers. Any answer they give me will always be an imagination in my consciousness.
I couldn't talk about it with my friends. Something told me it would be too disturbing an idea for most of them, if they truly accepted it at least. I turned to analytical idealism, by Physicist Bernado Kastrup, for comfort.
It claims that reality is fundamentally mental, not material; that consciousness is not something produced by the universe, but the medium in which the universe appears. What we call âmatterâ is the extrinsic appearance of mental processes, and individual minds are localized, dissociated centers within a larger field of consciousness. The physical world is not an illusion, but a representationâa way consciousness looks when observed from the outside. Analytical Idealism explains why the world has structure, continuity, and resistance without reducing mind to dead matter.
The problem, of course, is that analytical idealism is an imagination in consciousness. How could it be otherwise? It is a model appearing inside the very field it attempts to explain. But recognizing that doesnât weaken itâit purifies it. Held knowingly, Analytical Idealism becomes a powerful way consciousness explains its own constraints to itself: why imagination isnât arbitrary, why reality pushes back, why other minds feel independent, why Awakening is veiled rather than obvious.
Consciousness does not follow rules. Rules are what consciousness looks like when it limits itself enough to appear.
The resolution clicks into place.
Solipsism is necessary, but unsatisfying alone. Analytical idealism is imagined, but illuminating. When I combine themâholding solipsism as the epistemic foundation, and analytical idealism as a consciously adopted explanatory modelâontology becomes both honest and meaningful. Iâm no longer pretending Iâve escaped consciousness to describe reality âas it really is.â Iâm watching consciousness model itself, intelligently, from within.
Reality may be imaginationâbut it is disciplined imagination. The veil may be imaginedâbut it is exquisitely designed.
And in that synthesis, something finally rests.
The answer to the questions I navigated before become incredibly obvious.
What's stopping me from murdering? What's stopping me from being unkind? What's stopping me from judging others?
The answer: nothing.
Nothing except the imagined suffering of the dream world I'm in. That sounds dreary. But even that is meaning created in imagination.
It is breathtaking, reallyâhow impossibly generous reality is. There is no configuration more loving than this one: everything is me because everything is Spirit manifesting itself as the entire cosmos. My friends, my family, the romantic constellations of my pastâall of them are Spirit radiating affection through human form. Pure. Resounding. Metaphysical. Love.
A love so total it spills across existence like starlight.
So while nothing Absolute is stopping me from murdering, from being unkind, from judging, to do so would only be hurting myself. All I want to do is love even more than before, do something to appreciate this strangeness called consciousness.
Some may call this ego run amuck. In reality, it's the most humble thing you can realize. Every mistake, every wrongdoing, that has ever happened or will ever happen is your responsibility, because it is you. Judging someone else is judging your own nature.
It's so fucking obvious looking back it's not even funny. It's literally the only possibility. My mom my dad, it's me talking to myself. I want to laugh hysterically, but I understand my parents would find it weird if alongside the verbal hits I started crackling like a hyena. My mistake. I would find it weird if I started crackling like a Hyena.
After the call, I sit with a strange sensation that the walls are collapsing in one me. It's an echo from the Zen parable. The realization of Non-Duality making it feel like the sky is falling on you. After all, distance, time, they're all relative imaginations.
The trip ends, and I find myself wondering what the hell to integrate from the whole experience. Aside from my first trip, my other trips have been more down to earth, practical, obvious in what to integrate and when.
How does one integrate Awakening to Spirit?
Trip Integration
I need to ground deeper in my self. It may seem strange. Why would Awakening to Infinite Consciousness make you want to ground more in your self. But that's exactly the point. Experiencing the groundless ground is difficult to do without a stable ground.
I already have a very stable self. But there is Karma I haven't burned through and which keeps me from fully appreciating Spirits beauty. Each unrealized Karma a tether keeping me from fully sailing the stars. I still yearn for a profound romantic relationship, one that transcends the material realm and goes metaphysical. The four relationships I've had have been beautiful, but none of them were even close to metaphysical love. I yearn for an incredible business, one that not only makes me financially free but helps Awaken reality to Spirit.
Unless I come across someone spontaneously, romantic relationships need to wait until I've invested more in my future and secured financial freedom. That means going deeper in my career. Working hard in The Octalysis Group through excellence in external and internal projects, and for my citizen role as The Skill Growth Sage and podcast supporter for Design For Engagement.
I need to consume more business content. Sales especially, but marketing as well. I must be deeply strategic about my official work and work at Conscious College.
Conscious College will be my avenue for building my own personal business and talking about the spiritual insights I can't in other parts of my work. I need to balance between practical self-improvement and spiritual content to bridge between the two worlds. It will be tough for me to make self-improvement content with the levels of consciousness I've achieved, but it's necessary if I want to draw elite college freshmen to the channel. I think the way to balance it is create a much longer 2-3 hour spiritual video, and turn that into a shorter >30 minute practical video afterward.
The main step is making my Free College Freshman Cosmic Journaling Kit (CJK) as amazing as possible. Then, the practical and spiritual mix of videos I can see making next are as follows:
- College Freshmen, Level Up Your Journaling In 2026
- Only Motivation Video Elite College Freshmen Need
- College Freshmen, Why Journaling Isn't Growing You (Blog)
- Intro To Spirituality For College Freshmen
Another step is to ground deeper in my friends, family, and work relationships. Message more asking how people are doing and get really really interested in their psychology, their conscious. These are the people that tether me to my self, keep me from getting lost in Spirit's infinite beauty.
Lastly, I must be okay with not being understood by people. Not every article I write or video I make needs to have a perfect set up, punchline, and pay off. Usually, I revise every one of my articles after writing it, no matter what it is. But I'm not going to revise this one. I'm just going to post it.
I must learn to live life without being attached to my verbal reasoning abilities. In my Spiral Wizardry, I must be okay with not being able to bring people further down the Spiritual path as fast as I would like. They're living their own lives, with their own journey that must be taken. Awakening to Spirit's Veil helped me understand that.
My next mushrooms trip likely won't be for a couple months. There's a lot to integrate from this trip. I've been sailing for a long time. Landing on my home planet, Spirit, was celestial. Now it's time to set sail again. Because as I've always known, it was the sailing journey that was really the point.